Last night was the first FRG meeting with all of the squadron invited. It went off really well, and Ursla (my fav person in the FRG) gave everyone "Think Positive" journals. The best idea! It comes at an especially poignant time for me, as I have been fighting the blues for a little while. I am physically fine. I get the dishes washed, and the kids fed, and I get work done when it comes my way, but I just feel crappy. I find myself loosing it over the dumbest things on tv. Yesterday I cried because my favorite American Idol contestant sang one of my favorite Beetles songs, and Simon was rotten about it. 6 months ago me would have been shocked at such silliness. Today me wants to cry again because the time on the dvd ran out while I was taping The View for Jay. I have done all of the stress management techniques suggested to me, but it's not everyday stress I am feeling. The FRG is fine, work is slow, (the kids are driving me nuts, but that's normal) I just need my husband home. Ursla says to do something you've never done before....DID IT!!! Great...now what? I'm really tired of waiting for Jay to come home. It seems like that is my life. Waiting. I am so frustrated right now. I cannot wait to hold him in my arms. Just to smell his skin, and rub the back of his neck while he's driving. To listen to him talk about work, and be passionate about the direction that we are moving in. To be cooking dinner and have him sneak up behind me for a hug. To wake up in the morning and see his car outside the window and know that it means he hasn't left for PT yet, and I can grab a smooch before he leaves. To be able to laugh at him when he walks in in wet PT's and muddy boots (funniest thing I've ever seen, a man in shorts and combat boots LOL) To take walks with the family and hold hands. To be able to let someone else run to the grocery store if I run out of something in the middle of cooking ( I really miss that!) To know that when I get up in the morning, that there is someone else in this with me, someone that I know will notice if I am sad, that will ask me if I need a break, who will make me hug him, even though I say I don't want to, who will be waiting for me when I get home, and ask me about my day. This is such CRAP!! 15 months at a time is way too much to ask. We would be half way done right now, but with the 15 months, we still have 9 months left. This is not a way to live!! Does anybody else feel like this? Because I feel surrounded by people who think that this is a good thing. All I am hearing is patriotic HOOAH, and I feel like the Brittish spy in a "I love America" pep rally. I hate this war, I hate this president, and I will argue with anyone who tries to tell me I am wrong. Bring it! I think I have earned the right to scream from the mountain tops, "I want my husband BACK!!!!!!!" You know what I mean?
2 comments:
My Love,
It saddens me to know that you are hurting so. I often don't think about the burden you carry. You tell me about your frustrations occasionally, but it doesn't often sink in deep enough. You are almost iconic to me. You are the light at the end of this tunnel, you are my reason, and I can never tell you enough how much I love and need you. I too often feel that more of my life is spent wishing I were with you than being able to enjoy it. I can only take solace in the fact that the frequent absences help our relationship to stay fresh, that we are constantly reminded of how much we love each other. It has been said many times that you don't know what you've got until it's gone, and these words have never rung truer than they do in our hearts. And, I suspect, in the hearts of the many people inconvenienced by this jihad. Just know that although I am not there to share your trials, my heart is always with you. I hope that my love for you can be the strength that carries you through.
-J
My heart aches for you...I love you so much. Sometimes, though, while I'm tearing my hair out, it's hard to remember that you are somewhere out there. I feel like I did when I was eight, imagining my future husband, instead of knowing him....You are like a far away dream.
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